RELATIONSHIP MONSTERS
EXPLANATION - DISCLAIMER - OTHER RESOURCES
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FAWN (PEOPLE PLEASER)
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What’s a cute little fawn doing with these monsters? Sometimes a “monster” takes form as a self-protecting, yet sabotaging, behavior like fawning/people pleasing. The fawn avoids conflict, keeps the peace, lacks boundaries, and merges with the needs, preferences, and personality of others. It can emerge as over-apologizing, over-affection, not saying no, using humor or compliments to appease an abuser or avoid conflict, indecisiveness (allowing others to make decisions), or assuming responsibility for the feelings of others. Fawns are usually born from trauma and/or parentification (child is forced to take on adult responsibilities and roles because of parental neglect, incompetence, or immaturity).
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Kindness and compassion are strengths, but they can become dangerous when they transform into a fawn, allowing other monsters to easily manipulate or control them. If a fawn never escapes their own shadow, they may become an exhausted, empty, bitter creature.
GASLIGHTING GHOUL
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LOVE BOMB BOGEY
Do not upset the Alû.
They will use the silent treatment or cold shoulder to inflict emotional turmoil on their victim. Some do it as a maladaptive coping response (which can be rectified with awareness and emotional regulation), but others are more insidious and use it as manipulative punishment. Their passive aggressive behavior is meant to trigger, shame, and control the victim.
HOW TO SPOT ONE:
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They don't respond until you reconcile and apologize.
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They don't communicate their feelings.
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They don't say, "I need some time, let's talk later" and follow through, nor do they respect your request for time.
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Whatever the offense, they blatantly ignore you, and you never know when the silence will end.
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You feel punished, anxious, shamed, confused, or walking on eggshells.
Over time, the victim's self esteem and worth is eroded as they are caught in a trauma bond cycle with the abuser. Unless healthy boundaries and communication are established, the Alû will suck the life from you...
EXCEPTION: "Grey rocking," avoiding, or boundary setting with a toxic/abusive person is self-preservation, not manipulation. But a Gaslighting Ghoul, Flying Monkey, or Fawn might try and make you feel otherwise.
Ooo, shiny things! Yes. Come closer. You are their “soulmate, the perfect partner, the only one who truly understands them”….you are their prey. Beware the love bomb bogey. They seem like the perfect partner at first; they shower you with gifts, vacations, praise and compliments, declarations of love, and long talks. You’ve never connected with another person like this before; suddenly you’re moving in together, suddenly you’re married…and suddenly, the monster appears.
It’s subtle at first. The gifts and compliments become fewer and farther between. Insults, anger, or silent treatments take their place. Perhaps they become more manipulative, moody, or abusive, and you feel confused, wondering what happened to that perfect, sweet “soulmate.” So, you try harder. You give and give, trying to make them happy, trying to make them love you like before. After all, they’ve done so much for you. You felt so loved and perfect in their eyes. You owe them, right? You walk on eggshells while ignoring the razor-sharp teeth all around you.
And then…they throw you a crumb! Oh, a wonderful crumb of gifts or kindness. Your prince/princess Charming does exist! All is well. Or is it? The shiny things are only a distraction, a way of controlling you. You’ve been lured inside the cycle of trauma-bonding with a bogey.
OTHER REDFLAGS:
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All their exes are “crazy,” they have family they “hate,” or few close friends.
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They know everything about you but you know less about them. Or, conversely, they share all their trauma early on (to play victim and tug on your empathy).
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You feel pressured into saying ‘I love you’, moving in together, or getting married.
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They “future fake” with promises and fantasies of the future you want to hear, but it never happens.
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They demand quick replies to texts, calls, or questions.
HOW TO SPOT ONE:
Listen to your gut. If it feels like too much too soon, or too good to be true, you’re right. Ask them to slow down or ease up on the love bombing. If they don’t respect your boundaries, and your wishes and concerns are met with hostility, guilt tripping, gaslighting, or sulking…RUN!
SILENT HOWLER